


The Words We Cannot Say

by lilacpages17



Category: K-pop, Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Boys Kissing, Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Felix, Hurt/Comfort, Lee Felix (Stray Kids) is a Sweetheart, M/M, Music, Not Beta Read, References to Depression, Seo Changbin is Whipped, Social Anxiety, Song Lyrics, Words, basically Felix is a sad confused boy who everyone loves, soft times
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2020-10-26 01:14:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20733800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilacpages17/pseuds/lilacpages17
Summary: Felix has a love for words, the ones he writes on his arms and the ones that plague his head. It isn't until someone who understands them comes along that he starts to see the world for more than just a dictionary.------------------------Or Changbin and Felix find something they were missing in each other.*EDIT* This fic was dropped so while it doesnt end on an awful cliffhanger it is not totally complete either. Read with that in mind~





	1. Sharpies, Towels, and Meetings

**Author's Note:**

> So this was supposed to be ready for Felix’s birthday but then it got longer than I expected so here we are :D. Hope you guys like it! This will be a longer series so I’d love to hear any suggestions or criticism. Please read the tags since this fic will talk about anxiety A LOT so if you're not comfortable with that be careful uwu
> 
> I always LOVE to read your comments so any and all are appreciated <3 Thank you my lovelies~

Sunflower 

Generous 

Changing

Pencil Sharpener 

Felix traced the characters carefully on his arm as the professor continued to drone on about the specifics of plant biology. The blue sharpie left clear lines again his pale wrists and the rainbow of colors, both new and faded, left his arms a coloring book beneath his shirt sleeves. Felix loved words. He loved the way they conveyed so many different things and how each language had its own way of saying things. 

The boy had lived in Korea for long enough to know how to communicate well enough, the past two years had done wonders to improve the basic skills he had since living in Australia. Yet he still couldn’t say what he wanted with his limited vocabulary. His friends didn’t mind since they always encouraged him and reassured him that he was pronouncing things right, but Felix wanted to say more. 

So his old habit had been reinstalled at the beginning of his 3rd year in high school when Felix had determinedly walked up to the counter of his local stationary store with a variety pack of sharpies and 3 stacks of sticky notes. Luckily, the boy’s school uniform required long sleeved shirts so he was able to hide the myriad of words beneath them. Naturally, his best friend (dad) Chan had yelled at him and warned of ink poisoning, but Felix couldn’t seem to be bothered when his arms were full of words and thoughts. 

“Mr. Lee, could you please repeat what I just said.” Felix blinked in surprise when his teacher paused to call on him. The Aussie knew that he spaced out often, but he was generally better at focussing in class. He rubbed his wrists nervously and averted his eyes. 

“I um-” Felix cleared his throat. “Sorry professor, I wasn’t listening.” A snicker sounded from behind him and Felix felt his cheeks color slightly. The teacher proceeded to tsk and warn the rest of the class to focus on the material for the next test, but Felix could only hear the voices. 

“He probably didn’t understand anyway. The kid is dumb as bricks.” Felix winced at the joking tone the other boy had despite insulting him. He knew he wasn’t stupid - far from it. Felix’s mind just focussed on different things and when something was deemed irrelevant to him, it got tuned out in favor of something else. He liked to call it selective concentration. 

The end of class finally came and Felix bolted out the door, mood ruined and frown gracing his face. He was used to teasing and while he tried to hide his freckles and delicate features, he couldn’t hide his habits nor language struggles. 

“Lix!” A loud voice sounded through the halls, shaking him out of his stupor. Felix whipped his head around just in time to catch the lanky boy that threw himself in his direction. He loved Hyunjin, but the boy had the energy of a puppy that drank espressos. 

“Jinnie, what’s up?” He huffed while wrapped his arms around the boy and mentally patting himself on the back for not falling over. 

“I missed youuuuu. I hate math.” Hyunjin pouted and draped himself over his friend, rolling his eyes dramatically. Felix awkwardly shuffled them over to the side of the hall and sighed. There was a reason Hyunjin was in theatre. 

Passionate 

Energetic 

Brave 

Strong-willed 

That’s how Felix would describe his friend. Hyunjin had been the first person to approach him when he came to Korea, casually strutting up to him and asking him in broken English if he liked tteokbokki and inviting him to hang out after class. The handsome boy had always been the center of attention, as if his bright personality didn’t already attract people anyway. Hyunjin shined and pushed his way through life like he knew what he wanted, and he really did. Felix admired his resilience and determination, knowing the other spent late nights in the dance studio they frequented and practiced his speaking to lessen his stuttering by reciting his theatre lines with a pen between his teeth. Felix thought of him like a brother, but sometimes he really wanted to strangle him. 

Like now. Felix was dragging Hyunjin along to the lunchroom, groaning as the latter leaned all over him and flapped his arms around as he complained about all the homework he had and the girl who kept trying to pass him love notes in his history class. 

“Hyunjin, Felix! Over here!” Felix nearly cried in relief when he saw Seungmin waving to him at their usual lunch table. The blond unceremoniously dropped Hyunjin onto one of the stools and plopped down into a chair. 

“Take this menace off my hands Seungmin.” 

“So you don’t know the word for ‘sauce’ but you know how to insult me, I’m offended.” Seungmin just snorted but nodded in understanding. 

Soft

Sassy 

Attentive 

Calculated

If Hyunjin was an energetic puppy, then Seungmin was a calm dog that wore glasses (or at least in Felix’s mind he did). The cherry haired boy never failed to both amuse and confuse Felix. He used words that Felix was willing to bet were on the sticky notes covering his walls. Seungmin was an anomaly in the sense that it was hard to stick a specific label to him. He appeared shy and kind at times, while snarky and hard to get through to at others. Seungmin had come as a package deal with Hyunjin with whom he was childhood friends and Felix could never see himself in a life without him. He loved how Seungmin took picture of them by surprise and wrote them letters even though they lived in the same neighborhood. Seungmin’s walls were lined with Day6 posters and his voice echoed off the walls with a tone Felix hoped would be heard by millions of the radio one day. 

“Sauce is a weird word, ok.” Felix huffed instead of voicing his other thoughts. He pulled out his lunchbox and sighed at the contents. He had been living with Chan since the beginning of that school year and suddenly all the cooking was left into his hands. Before, his parents had sent him an allowance and he was able to eat as much take out as he wished. Now that he lived in an apartment with an actual kitchen and not just one room, he was expected to cook and at least contribute somewhat to the overall living conditions. 

“Lix, what the hell is that supposed to be.” A new voice sounded over his shoulder and the boy didn’t even need to turn around to know who it was. He sighed and buried his face in his hands as Jisung’s laugh echoed behind him. Jisung, his soulmate, his best friend and utter bane of his existence. 

“Curry?” 

“I don’t know what curry you’ve seen before but that most definitely is not it.” Jisung sat down beside him and poked Felix’s shoulder teasingly. 

Talented 

Imaginative 

Restless

Introspective 

Jisung was a ball of energy that matched Felix’s. The squirrel-like boy brought out the energetic qualities Felix possessed and helped bring him out of his shell. Jisung was someone who wouldn’t stop at anything to get what he wanted and his competitive spirit often led to the group getting into ridiculous situations. His music skills were unrivaled at their school and Felix wouldn’t be surprised if he got accepted to a top music college in the future considering the boy’s soundcloud already had a secure following and he had won multiple competitions. On the other hand, Jisung was also a sunshine who knew how to make anyone laugh with his dumb jokes and random singing. Felix wouldn’t trade him for the world. 

“I can’t cook ok. We’ve been over this.” 

“I’m surprised Chan hasn’t had a heart attack yet - you’re a walking hazard.” Seungmin smirked while eating his own, properly made lunch. Show off. 

“He would die for Felix, it’s fine.” Jisung patted his friend and smiled. 

“He really might at this rate.” Felix threw a napkin at Hyunjin who was laughing. He loved his friends, despite their constant teasing. They were honest and motivated. They made him want to work harder and find his own dreams to chase instead of following those set out for him. Felix thought of his words, all the letters floating around his head and the way they combined into so many different thoughts. He dreamed of somewhere he could voice those thoughts and show others how beautiful the world was through his eyes, how much potential every seed had to blossom.

“Earth to Felix.” Seungmin waved a hand in front of his friend’s face, an understanding smile on his face. Felix smiled back sheepishly. Maybe dreaming could wait for him to finish his crappy curry. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

It was 9 pm when Felix was starting at the bathroom mirror in his apartment, facing his usual crisis: does he take a shower and wash away the memories of his day or leave them to blur into his skin? Granted, the boy wrote the words down again when he got home, but he didn’t have the heart to erase the things he had written. He started at his shirtless figure with a pout and traced the characters for ‘roundabout’ on his forearm. Something about washing the words made it feel like Felix was forgetting them and setting them aside, like in those photobooks that sit on shelves without being looked through until someone wakes up from reality to look back on the past. 

“Felix, what’re you doing?” Chan’s accented voice drifted into the room and he sighed again. His friend was far too perceptive for his own good. 

Profound 

Youthful 

Perspicacious 

Competent

The elder Aussie boy was someone Felix had learned to rely on even though he knew Chan already shouldered the weight of so many. He worried relentlessly about all those around him and cared for everyone with far too much heart to leave any for himself. Felix had spent many sleepless nights beside his side as he worked on lyrics and beats for unfinished tracks or made dinner for them both. He loved his hyung more than a brother (considering his real siblings were far removed from his life). Chan also had a sense of humor that never failed to brighten Felix’s day and he managed to bring a sense of peace over anyone he interacted with. Felix was convinced the boy was friends with everyone in Seoul considering that they were typically stopped at least 10 times just on the way to the grocery store for someone to greet his hyung. Felix had never been happier than he was living with Chan, but sometimes he wished he had privacy when his thoughts seeped too far into his heart. 

“I’m fine, hyung. Just spaced out again. I’ll be quick I promise.” Felix shouted back and rushed to turn on the showerhead. He could practically hear Chan’s defeated sigh as he stepped into the cabin and let the droplets pelt his skin. He winced as the heat made the words on his arm leak over and color the tiles a rainbow that eventually blended into brown. There was Korean and English on his arms in an array of strengths, words from days prior a memory of another Felix in another place. 

Perhaps he really was strange for getting so attached to words. He loved the way they sounded different when different people said them and how one word could have so many meanings, a variety of purposes. He liked to think of everyone as one word that could be expanded into many. 

Fiery - Hyunjin 

Acute - Seungmin 

Vociferous - Jisung 

Unwavering - Chan 

The people in his life were so many words that were rooted from one. He drew trees on his walls that began as one, branching out into many different personalities and actions. He knew people were more complex than his trees, and maybe that’s why he found it so hard to open up to others. If everyone has a tree of words, his would be a sapling that didn’t know if it wanted to be an oak or a maple. What did he want? Felix was good at many things, he knew that, but was there anything he was the best at or that he could call his own? 

Felix finally turned off the water when he realized that it was slowly getting cooler. The water bill was generally the highest and he was willing to bet it was due to how often he got lost in thought during his showers. He wrapped a fluffy, polka dotted towel around his body and waddled out of the bathroom, blond strands frazzled around his head. 

“Felix! Hey I wanted to- oh wait uh.” Chan panicked as Felix entered the living room. The younger froze as he was faced with 2 unfamiliar bodies. He was awkward enough as it was when he was fully clothed, but with only a towel between himself and these people sitting on the floor Felix was ready to jump out the nearest window. In fact, he did the next best thing by turning around and bolting to his bedroom. The door closed with a resolute bang and Felix thought he could hear laughter in the room behind him. He cursed Chan out under his breath and rushed to throw on some clothes. His closet was a messy color palette that Felix insisted he needed. The pastels were neatly arranged on hangers and the sweaters with sleeves far past his short fingers while leather and dark shades lined the drawers beneath. 

Now donning a pink sweatshirt and a light pair of jeans, Felix patted down his unruly hair while pressing his ear against the outside door.

“He’s cute Chan, real cute. The abs don’t really match his baby face but otherwise he’s a real keeper.” Felix nearly choked at the words and self consciously patted his stomach. He worked damn hard for those abs, thank you very much. 

“Ask him to join us at the gym next time. He seems like a nice kid.” A raspy voice responded and Felix felt a shiver go down his spine. It held something warm against the harsh intonations. Piercing. 

“Seo Changbin, voluntarily initiating contact with another human being? What parallel universe is this.” The voice from before snorted and Felix could imagine the guy behind it being snarky and overly confident. Something akin to Hyunjin but more mature. A sharp tongue behind a careful facade. Cynical. 

“Now now. Don’t scare him off, I actually like this one. He’s a sweetheart and I will not hesitate to hurt either of you if you say something mean to him.” Felix warmed at Chan’s words and let out a sigh. He was going to need to face the situation in the living room eventually so he might as well get it over with now so that he can steal some leftovers and lament over his lack of social skills under a mountain of plushies. The blond pushed the door open hesitantly, peeking out from the crack. 

“Oh hey!” A blue haired boy waved to him and Felix could only blink. The other was beautiful and Felix was sure he was the confident voice from before. His smile reminded him of the cheshire cat and the way he leaned back on his hands while looking Felix up and down gave the boy the impression that he knew exactly what the blond was thinking. 

“Lix! Come on in. Sorry for not warning you, I should’ve let you know I was having people over.” Chan rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. Felix nodded awkwardly and shuffled inside, staring down at his daisy patterned socks. He liked floral things, ok? 

“I’m Minho.” Felix looked up shyly at the boy from before who seemed to have a softer look on his face. “You have a nice body though.” He earned a slap from Chan for the comment but he kept the cheeky smile on his face. Felix just nodded again. 

“These two are my best friends; I know I’ve mentioned them before.” Chan responded and pulled Felix down to the ground to sit down next to him. “Minho is a dancer, the one I told you you should show your choreo to. Changbin is my producing buddy.” Felix finally looked at the latter who was looking at him thoughtfully. The look wasn’t cold, but it was guarded as he analyzed Felix. 

“This is your dancing dongsaeng? You should’ve started with that.” Minho leaned forward eagerly now. “I’d love to see you dance - it’s my entire life.” 

“How old are you?” Changbin finally spoke and Felix felt the familiar tingly feeling return at the sound. There was something about the way the elder spoke that made Felix feel like each word had a purpose, a reason to exist. 

“17.” He coughed out shyly. 

“Damn son, your voice doesn’t match your body either what the heck?” Minho and Changbins’ eyes widened in surprise. Felix was used to the reaction by now but it amused him nonetheless. 

“I get that a lot.” Felix shrugged and leaned back into Chan’s shoulder. The Aussie instinctively pulled him closer and Felix melted in the familiar feeling. “Not to be rude, but what’re you guys doing here?” 

“We wanted to see our curly-haired friend’s new place. The last one was a shithole.” Minho barely ducked the pillow that Chan threw in his direction but Changbin nodded in confirmation. 

“We were also going to go and get something to eat, wanna come along lil bro?” 

“Thanks, but I have some homework to get done.” Felix smiled tightly and averted his eyes. He had finished all his work during class but he would rather be bored in his room than have to intrude on the boys’ dinner. 

“Are you sure? We’d love to have you. Is your anxiety acting up again?” Chan asked in rapid English and Felix almost winced at the question. It was no secret between them that Felix struggled with his confidence but he hated troubling the elder with his worries when the boy had enough to worry about anyway. 

“No no, don’t worry mate. Just tired.” The other two in the room looked on in confusion but Felix gave them a reassuring smile while standing up. “It was nice to meet you both, enjoy your uh, your…” He reverted back to Korean only to stumble slightly. 

“Evening?” Minho supplied. Felix gave him a grateful nod while subtly outlining the characters to the word in the air. He would have to write that one down. 

“Bye Lix! Call me if you need anything.” A worried Chan called out while the other two quietly bid him goodbye. Felix only relaxed when he was back inside the comfort of his room and the door was shut behind him. While he would’ve been curious to know what the others said now that he was gone, any energy he had was suddenly drained. The blond trudged to his bed and flopped down face-down, burrowing himself in the pillowy softness. 

Why was he like this? It shouldn’t be so hard to just talk to others, to mean what you say and be invested in a conversation. It wasn’t that he was antisocial - it was quite the opposite. Felix loved people. He enjoyed seeing the way people acted and the way their emotions showed on their faces when they were talking. But he knew he himself was an open book with far too many pages to be read. And those pages weren’t meant to be seen by everyone. 

Maybe one day they would be meant for someone.


	2. Late Nights, Clocks, and Anxiety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perhaps he really was strange for getting so attached to words. He loved the way they sounded different when different people said them and how one word could have so many meanings, a variety of purposes. He liked to think of everyone as one word that could be expanded into many. 
> 
> \------------------------------------
> 
> Felix continues his stumbling through life with the help of new and old friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies~ Back with another chapter in my first Changlix fic! I'm planning on updating every 3 days as of now and I have a few chapters ready to go. Hope you all enjoy more of me projecting onto Felix lol
> 
> Please read the tags especially for this chapter because there are some more detailed descriptions of an anxiety attack and I don't want anyone to be triggered <3 
> 
> Comments are greatly, GREATLY appreciated and I would love to hear what you guys think of my writing so far! Enjoy~

Felix woke up to the sound of a rhythmic beat coming from the wall between his and Chan’s room. He grumbled while reaching for his phone, eyes still glued shut and throat dry. He nearly threw the device across the room when he read 2 am in white letters illuminating the screen. He knew that Chan was slightly insomniatic, but he was usually better at keeping quiet. The noise wasn’t bad and Felix could imagine a complete tune being created somewhere in the music prodigy’s mind, but he couldn’t find it in himself to appreciate the music when he had to be up again in 5 hours. 

With a sigh, Felix rolled over to get off his bed, nearly falling to the ground when he tripped over the edge of his blanket. He blinked blearly and stumbled into the hallway, nearly turning the wrong way to get to his hyung’s room. When he finally reached the door, Felix’s mind worked slow enough for him to just turn the handle and push the door open without knocking. 

“Chan I swear to gOD-” Felix began in a brokenly deep voice only to stop short when he caught sight of the other figure in the room. His eyes widened and he straightened up, suddenly wide awake. Changbin was sitting in a foldable picnic chair next to Chan’s own swivel chair (he spent more time there than his actual bed much to Felix’s chagrin). “Oh… I’m sorry.” 

“Why are you awake right now, Lix? Were we being too loud?” 

“A little… sorry for bothering you I can just-” He slowly started to back out as Chan tiredly took off the headphones that were sitting on one ear. 

“No worries. You wanna hear what we’ve been working on? We could use another ear.” Felix lit up at the suggestion and nodded eagerly. He loved hearing Chan’s music and even though it was a bizarre hour, he wouldn’t miss the opportunity. Chan chuckled at the other’s excitement and rolled slightly away from the screen so Felix could see. The younger nearly forgot about the other boy in the room until Changbin leaned back slightly to watch him again. The boy was still a mystery to Felix, despite having seen him on another two occasions since that first time they met in the apartment. Changbin seemed to have personas, one that he kept up around strangers or people he was weary of and another that was far more playful and caring. Felix wished he could get to know the boy better, but Changbin was elusive in the sense that he rarely seemed to leave his own apartment except to work on projects with Chan or when Minho dragged him somewhere. 

“How long have you two been working on this?” Felix asked as he looked over the producing software. He had been given a crash course by Chan and even read up a little online, but he barely understood all the complicated arrangements on the screen. 

“Almost a month now.” Changbin replied with a tired sigh. “This one has been sitting on the backburner for a while and we decided to finalize it but it won’t sound right.” 

“Which sucks because I even convinced Jisung to write lyrics for it!” Chan pouted. Jisung was always busy running between his many activities and barely had time for his own soundcloud, much less assisting Chan. Chan had adopted Jisung almost instantly when he found out about his interest in music and almost cried of happiness at hearing he wrote lyrics. Felix imagined what it would be like if he was as eloquent as Jisung, his words flowing out freely and uninhibited. The boy had so many things he wanted to say but always ended up hesitating or saying an abbreviated version. 

“I remember him complaining about this.” Felix chuckled while glancing over the lyrics. Jisung had been lamenting over the extra work but his best friend knew that he secretly loved the song. Chan handed Felix his headphones and the boy pressed play immediately. 

A steady beat of notes flowed through Felix’s ears, the steady flow blending into Chan’s familiar voices. He closed his eyes and took in the lyrics, the words so carefully picked apart by his best friend. As the song progressed, Jisung’s voice hitting higher notes and the emotional raspiness of Changbin’s rap hit him full force. His friends were so talented, coming up with something so unique and hard hitting. Although, he felt a sense of something missing just as the other two had said. It was when Chan began his english bridge singing with a chilling tone that Felix realized what would fit. 

“Like a tunnel with no light...” Felix’s eyes snapped open and he could see it right there - the ticking clock and the beat of the drum against his skull. He had to take off the headphones to catch his breath and only then realized the other two were staring at him intently. Felix paused the track and bit his lip.

“Well I, uh, have an idea.” Felix cleared his throat. “I think.” 

“Thinking about an idea is usually how it works.” Changbin tilted his head but smiled. “We’ll take anything right now, we’re kind of in a rut.” Felix had to take a minute to not scream at how cute the other looked despite his eye bags and messy hair stuck under a beanie. 

“Is it possible to add a clock?” 

“A… clock?” 

“Yeah you know like how a clock ticks. Could you maybe add it in around here and here?” Felix pointed to the software and sniffled. Maybe he was being stupid. The idea didn’t make any sense - it’s not like a clock was an instrument. Chan frowned but Changbin’s eyes widened like he had just been handed a trophy. 

“Wait a second I think you’re onto something.” He whirled around and clicked with his mouse faster than Felix thought possible. Suddenly, the two were back in full producer mode as Changbin added in sounds and Chan leaned over to whisper suggestions and talk over the placement of the instruments. Felix waited a few minutes until he realized he was no longer needed, content to slowly back out of the room. 

“Don’t stay up too late hyungs.” He whispered as he closed the door. The other two would only later realize he had left when they jumped for joy with a finally finished track. Chan would frown unhappily while checking the time and nearly crying to see they had pulled another all nighter. Changbin, on the other hand, felt the gap left behind by the younger as if the sun had hidden behind a cloud. The lack of warmth in the room wasn’t something that had bothered him before, but now he found himself missing the freckled boy and his small smiles and thoughtful words (Changbin had nearly cooed out loud when the sleepy younger had wandered into Chan’s room without any makeup covering his adorable beauty marks). 

Felix woke up the next morning with teary eyes and a creak in his back from the awkward sleeping position, curled up around one of his stuffies. He had run out of the room with minimum effort to his outfit and a splattering of foundation to his face. He only yelled a quick “good morning” to Chan who was falling asleep over a cup of coffee and bolted out the door. 

Crisp. Foreboding. Panicked.

Felix could use many words to describe his morning, but none of them were particularly welcome. He had missed 3 of his alarms and only sprinting had the possibility of saving him from a lecture about being tardy from his homeroom teacher. The blond practically flew on the sidewalk, sidestepping crowds of people and yelling out flustered apologies. He barely even noticed the light turning red on the crosswalk through his blurry eyes and pounding headache. 

The rush of air and a hand yanking him backward were what fully woke him up that morning, a sharp tug on his hoodie saving him from the onslaught of traffic. Felix could vaguely make out a few concerned questions from the people around his through the fuzz in his ears but the feeling of someone pulling him aside was stronger. What had just happened? 

“ARE YOU INSANE?” A sharp voice woke him out of his stupor and Felix’s head jolted up to meet a pair of familiar, concerned eyes. Changbin was breathing heavily and frowning with a sadder, more panicked look shining from his eyes. The boy looked exactly like last night except with more obvious eye bags in the sunlight. 

“Ch-changbin hyung?” 

“Of course it’s me, you dumbass. What the hell were you thinking? Walking straight into oncoming traffic like that. Do you have some kind of death wish?” He growled angrily and Felix flinched at the tone. The elder’s grip softened slightly at Felix’s reaction but he held onto him nonetheless. 

“I… I was late for school. I was in a rush and didn’t sleep much last night so I uh…” Felix trailed off and looked down at his worn converse in shame. He knew he could be a bit of an airhead at times, but he had never directly put himself in harm’s way like that. His hands were shaking slightly as his brain caught up to the situation. “Oh god I’m so sorry Changbin I shouldn’t have, oh my god...” Felix’s breath caught in his throat and he could feel the words gather up behind his skull, pushing to come out but were stopped by the wall of his panic and anxiety. Changbin’s eyes widened as he realized Felix was going into a sort of shock. As quickly as he could, he wrapped an arm around the boy’s shoulder and pulled him into the nearest convenience store, awkwardly nodding hello to the cashier and guiding the blond to the back where there weren’t any people. 

“Hey, Felix? Can you hear me?” Changbin’s voice was underwater, swimming with Felix’s thoughts. Worthless. Troublemaker. Idiot. Felix’s mind spiraled. “Felix, oi! Shit.” Changbin helped the younger sit down gently, leaning him against a freezer and pushing his messy hair out of his face. He desperately speed dialed Chan and muttered reassuring words to the younger. He had never seen him like this, hell he barely knew the kid but he knew that he was usually far more positive and calm than this. It reminded him of his own attacks back in high school and Changbin suddenly had the thought that there was more to this boy than he let on. 

“Changbin? Yo did you forget something?” Chan’s groggy voice came through the staticy speaker and Felix visibly relaxed slightly at the other’s voice. 

“It’s Felix. It’s a long story but he’s having a panic attack and I need you to talk to him.” Changbin recited with practiced speed and accuracy. 

“Shit I- sure hold the phone up to his ear.” Changbin leaned gently toward Felix who had buried his head in his knees and curled up in a tight knot. “Mate?” The Aussie switched over to English and softened his voice. 

“Ch-channie?” Felix whimpered. 

“Hey bud, it’s me. Can you breathe with me for a bit? It’ll all be fine, you’re safe. Changbin’s there with you and I’m right here, ok?” Felix hummed and slowly the two followed what could be seen was a practiced routine of breathing exercises. The blond finally loosened up after a few minutes and Changbin sighed in relief. He yanked off his beanie and ran a hand through his dark locks, looking steadily at Felix. 

“Thanks hyungs.” He whispered and closed his eyes. Changbin returned the phone to his ear. 

“You don’t know how thankful I am that you’re with him right now Bin.” Chan sounded tired, but relieved. “Can you bring him back to our apartment? I’m so sorry for messing up your plans but I can’t have him going to school like this. I’ll call the front office…” 

“No worries. I didn’t have much going on anyway and there’s no way I’d leave him alone right now.” The two exchanged quick goodbyes and Changbin pocketed his phone, gaze returning to the blond. Felix looked tired, the flurry of emotions having sapped him of whatever energy he had previously possessed. “Lix?” 

“Mmm.” The boy’s eyes opened languidly and Changbin’s breath caught at how empty they looked. He recognized that look and he didn’t like it. 

“We’re gonna take you home now, yeah? To Channie hyung and your stuffies and get you some hot chocolate.” Changbin reached out to comfortingly pat his hair. The younger leaned into the touch. “How’s that sound?” 

“Good.” Felix blinked slowly but made no move to get up. With a resolute huff, Changbin heaved the younger to his feet and let him lean on the elder’s shoulder. Good thing Changbin hit up the gym regularly. 

“You’re doing great.” So that’s how the two slowly made their way back to the apartment, greeted at the door by a frazzled Chan. The two older boys helped Felix settle into his bed, not bothering to remove his clothes. They shut the door quietly and Chan motioned with his head for Changbin to follow him into the kitchen. 

“So… what happened exactly?” Chan asked as they sat down with fresh cups of coffee. Changbin reaccounted how he had seen Felix stumbling in a rush down the street on his way back to his own home and that the younger nearly got run over because of his inattentive rushing. Chan was clutching his mug so tightly Changbin was surprised it hadn’t shattered yet. 

“I promised him I would be there for him when things like this happened. I’m so useless.” 

“Chan, there’s no way you would have known the kid was feeling off today. You are barely all there yourself. Life happens and you can’t constantly be hovering over him.” Changbin tugged off his beanie and leaned back in his chair. 

“Still…” Chan had the look of a kicked puppy. With a sigh, Changbin stood back up and ruffled his friend’s curly locks. 

“Take care of yourself, yeah? You can’t look after him on an empty stomach. And no, coffee does not count.” He shot the boy a look. At least he had the sense to look sheepish. “I’m going to get us all something to eat. Help Felix take a shower or something.” Changbin grumbled as he trudged out of the apartment, but Chan could see he was just as concerned as the elder was. It was weird. Changbin was always more caring than people gave him credit for, but there was something about Felix that always had the black haired boy alert and soft. 

“Mate? How’re you feeling?” Chan walked into the bedroom tentatively. On Felix’s bed, a huge mound of blankets was laying in the middle. A nose and slowly the rest of a face appeared from inside and Chan cooed. The younger sniffled and averted his eyes. 

“Like shit. I’m so sorry hyung you shouldn’t have to-” 

“Stop right there Lee. You know I’m always here for you.” Chan sat down besides Felix on the bed. “You aren’t a hassle and I love you, you know?” Felix smiled slightly and felt a warmth in his chest. 

Felix loved how Chan meant his words. The elder thought them through and never said anything he didn’t mean. It was something the younger appreciated and wished he himself could manage. He had finally returned from his panicked headspace once he had landed on his familiar bed and the feeling of embarrassment and dread towards missing school were slowly coming to him. Felix hated the pitying looks from his best friends and the concerned teachers eyeing him during lecture. He hated the misunderstandings and lies that weighed on his tongue.

“Love you too bro.” Felix nuzzled into his blankets once more. Solace. If the boy had a pen, that is what he would write on his forearm. He would like to curl the characters in blue - a sea of calm and the waves of relief that came over Felix when he heard Chan’s steady breathing beside him. Instead, all he said was “I’ll be fine. Thank you.” 

“You should go shower, I called your school but maybe you can email your teachers or text one of the boys?” Chan wrapped an arm around the lump of fluff and squeezed hard enough for Felix to actually feel it. The younger nodded and mentally applauded himself for the dimpled smile on Chan’s face. He loved making his friends smile more than anything else. 

One long, hot shower later and some reassuring messages to his best friends later, Felix was curled up on the couch with his promised hot chocolate. Chan sat in the armchair next to him, hard at work on… something or other. The producer had an odd work schedule that Felix had long stopped trying to comprehend. He nearly burned his tongue when the front door to the apartment swang open and a string of curse words followed. The boys looked up in surprise to see Changbin handling far too many bags of takeout than were necessary for 3. Felix sat there, mouth open, as Chan launched himself off the couch to help his friend. 

“Binnie did you order the entire menu?” The eldest huffed out lightly as he placed the containers of takeout on the kitchen counter. 

“I didn’t know what Felix liked!” 

“And you couldn’t have just texted and asked?” 

“I panicked.” Changbin said so resolutely that Felix couldn’t help but giggle. Changbin cracked a smile at the sound and the boys rushed to lay out the huge assortment. It was after a while of silent eating that Felix finally spoke up. 

“Hey, hyungs?” He cleared his throat nervously. “What’s a better way to say warm?” The other two gave him puzzled looks. “As in, uh, comfy. Content? Something between there.” 

“안심시키다? Maybe.” Changbin looked thoughtful despite the random question. Felix blinked at the unfamiliar word and turned to Chan. 

“That works, yeah. Comforting I guess. That sort of feeling you mean?” Felix nodded and Changbin smiled. 

“Why?” 

“I uh well-” Felix looped down at his lap. “I like learning new words I guess? I don’t know.” 

“He does that a lot.” Chan agreed and stuffed a piece of meat into his mouth. “Felix asks a lot of questions in general but always about words. He’s still learning but he’s doing fantastic.” Felix smiled brightly at the compliment and blushed. 

He wouldn’t notice Changbin’s blush at the sight, or Chan’s teasing eyes. He wouldn’t think about it until later how easily Changbin understood him and how patiently he later helped him write out the characters. Felix was slow on certain uptakes, and he certainly seemed to be flowing through a sea of confusion when it came to a certain boy.


	3. Daydreams, Arcades, and Lyrics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How do you begin to speak your mind when your entire life you have only read off the lines given to you? Where do you start when everything you’ve ever said has been circled and underlined in red marker and oddities erased into nothing? 
> 
> \-----------------------
> 
> Felix's continued path to discovery ft. fluffy romance time!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again my lovelies~ Thank you all so much again for all the support! 
> 
> This chapter is just kind of delving deeper into Felix's thoughts and moving the plot along a bit. I know the Changlix development is a bit slow but hopefully you all still enjoy reading it! Let's see if you guys can guess which songs the lyrics Felix is thinking of are from ;D
> 
> As usual, any and all comments and kudos are greatly appreciated and they really help me stay motivated.  
Enjoy <3

How do you begin to speak your mind when your entire life you have only read off the lines given to you? Where do you start when everything you’ve ever said has been circled and underlined in red marker and oddities erased into nothing? 

Felix was used to being quiet. His friends laughed at him when he claimed to be the most laid back of their group, but he knew it was true from the way he had learned to sit and watch his friends interact. The boy had his moments and he loved being able to , well, be himself. But sometimes, he wanted to just watch the world move without him from the sidelines, listen to the stories of others and see their words come out in whirlwinds of noise.

Jisung said the word ‘really’ more than anyone Felix knew. He spoke in extremes. Jisung was someone who knew what he felt and wasn’t scared to let the world know that he REALLY meant it. On the flip side, Jisung was insecure. Felix saw it in the way his reallys ended in higher tones and questioned whether it was ok for him to say what he did. He seeked reassurance almost like a puppy who needed to be rewarded for obeying a trick. Felix hated the look of disappointment the flashed on his platonic soulmate’s face when one of their other friends teased him or when the literature teacher told him his interpretation was wrong (“Jokes on them Sung.” Chan would later say while hugging his friend. “Words are never meant to only be understood one way and we both know that better than that old hag.” Felix would engrave those words into his heart unbeknownst to the others). 

“Really?!” Or sometimes Jisung just got really excited and that was ok too. “How did you manage to get tickets, that’s insane Minnie I’m so jealous.” The boy pouted and leaned forward across the lunch table, practically on top of it now. Seungmin had his arms crossed across his chest and a smirk glued to his face. 

“My cousin knows a guy. They’re VIP too.” 

“WHAT THE HELL SHARE!” Hyunjin tickle attacked his best friend and Jisung continued to yell about wanting fancams of the concert they were discussing. Felix smiled softly and watched his friends clown around. He traced the words ‘complex’, ‘blinding’, and ‘telescope’ along his wrist, a bracelet of words. 

“Felix?” Seungmin waved a hand in front of his face, making the blond blink and stop rubbing his wrist where it was starting to redden from the friction. Felix let out a hum of acknowledgement and looked into the eyes of his concerned friends.

“You good bro?” Hyunjin asked with a furrowed brow.

“Yeah, just tired I guess.”

“Was everything alright the other day when you missed school? You didn’t tell us much about it.” Jisung pouted, talking in a much quieter voice than earlier. If there was something Felix hated, it was being pitied. He hated when his friends treated him like glass and when they sent him those sidelong glances to check and see if a comment had offended him in any way. The blond was observant, and self-critical to a fault. If they were acting like that, there had to be something he had done to inspire it, right? Was he too finicky or panicky around them? Were the bags and freckles under his eyes not covered by the concealer he wore? Felix was brought out of his thoughts by Jisung’s warm hand on his shoulder, the other squeezing it lightly and grounding the blond.

“Yeah, everything’s just fine.” Felix awkwardly cleared his throat and picked up his backpack, half finished lunch in his hands. “I should go, uh, talk to one of my teachers before classes start.”

“We can go with you, if you want.” Seungmin suggested with a kind smile. Felix tried not to feel bad for ditching his friends, but the air was closing around him again and he hated being like that in front of them.

“No!” He said a bit too hastily. “No, it’s fine. Enjoy the rest of your lunches; see you guys later.” With a quick wave, Felix turned on his heels and shuffled out of the lunchroom with 3 stares following his movements.

He traced the ‘biome’ on his arm while walking aimlessly through the halls. Felix ended up staring out the windows of one of the top floors of the school, peering down on the students playing games in the school yard or eating lunch on benches, talking about little nothings.

The boy thought all words were special, but it was those soft ones that held a special place in his heart. The words that could lighten a mood and treaded gently through one’s lips. The heavy ones were the ones that made Felix want to write down everything before he said it, the sentences that stretched and weighed down on your shoulders until they were spoken. He supposed those weighed on you inside too, because Felix always felt heavy nowadays.

With his chin resting on his palm, Felix leaned out the window and let his mind wander.

_ I continue asking, asking again, I can’t find any answers _

A familiar tuft of black hair made Felix do a double take as Changbin walked past the school gate. He looked thoughtful, pace slow and eyes deliberately scanning the building. Felix leaned forward and narrowed his eyes. The elder had a backpack swung across one shoulder and the blond had the urge to reach out and take it from him since his posture was bad enough already.

_ Thoughts, thoughts piling up becoming a wall _

In that moment, the boys’ eyes met in a spark. Felix watched as Changbin’s eyes widened in recognition and he hesitantly raised a hand. Felix smiled, carefree, and waved back. The two had been talking more and more recently and the younger couldn’t be happier. Changbin had finally broken out of his shell and the giggly, joking side of him had finally made its appearance. From late night runs to get strawberry milkshakes to tutoring Felix in cozy cafes, they had been seeing each other almost every day. Felix pointed down and motioned for Changbin to wait for him while the other checked his watch in confusion.

The blond could afford to skip class, especially for Changbin. A few moments later, Changbin was met with an armful of Felix who had practically pounced on the elder once he was outside. The fresh air lifted his spirits and the warm sweatshirt he had his face buried in carried the now familiar scent of his friend.

“What’s up Lix? Don’t you still have school today?”

“Nah.” He said as nonchalantly as possible. Changbin sighed and ruffled the boy’s hair.

“You shouldn’t skip class, especially not for me.” Internally, Felix thought that he would one day do anything for the other if things continued at this rate. He wasn’t sure what to think of that.

“It’s ok, I was out of it anyway.” The blond moved away slightly to shift his own backpack on his shoulders. “Everything was just spilling out of my brain anyway. Would’ve been a mess to clean up.” Changbin snorted.

“You up for doing something fun then?” Changbin gave him a mischievous smile and Felix couldn’t help but match it with one of his own.

“Always.” As they walked off, the younger had to use all his restraint not to take the elder’s hand in his own, linking his small fingers with the calloused ones that wrote so many wonderful things and worked far too hard for someone Changbin’s age.

_ I lost my path like a lost child _

But maybe being lost isn’t always so bad if you have someone by your side. Felix would like it if that someone was Changbin.  
\-----------------------------------------------  
“CHEATER!” Changbin whined. Felix had won his second plushie in the claw machine and he was smiling as the shark toy dropped into the deposit. He pulled it out, a victorious expression lighting up his face as he shoved the toy in the elder’s face.

“You’re just not good at this Binnie hyung, it’s ok. We can’t all be as talented as me.” He smirked while Changbin scowled.

“I just wanted the damn snorlax.” He grumbled petulantly. The two had ended up at an arcade and had jumped from racing to shooting games, even trying out the dancing ones where Felix insisted on performing every Twice song available (which he ROCKED, although Changbin would never admit it aloud). The claw machines were their last stop to use up what tickets they had left and Changbin had used up all his tickets in vain trying to get his favorite pokemon.

“I’ll get it for you hyung!” Felix beamed and turned to insert another ticket. Changbin crossed his arms, but a fond smile played on the edge of his lips as Felix stuck his tongue out in concentration. A few failed attempts and nearly all their tickets later, the snorlax was safely tucked between a content Changbin’s arms while Felix carried his own on the way out of the arcade.

“This was fun. You feeling better now?” Changbin asked while bumping his shoulder with the younger boy. Felix hummed. Somehow, Felix hadn’t worried at all about his friends, school, or his words when he was with Changbin. His words found that they liked the elder for whatever reason and he supposed it was a writer/artist thing, to be liked by words. Or maybe it was a Changbin thing.

“Thanks hyung. For everything.” Changbin gave him a questioning glance. “You know – hanging out with my annoying ass and teaching me Korean. I know you could be doing more productive things with your time since you’re so busy anyway…”

“Kid, stop right there. I genuinely LIKE spending time with you Lix.” Changbin smiled sadly. “I don’t know why you think so lowly of yourself, but I used to do the same. Before Chan and Minho came into my life. I spend time with you because I want to, not because I have some sort of moral obligation to.” Felix blushed and thumbed the ears of the puppy plushie. Maybe he’d give it to Seungmin tomorrow as an apology for ditching them.

“Ok hyung. If you say so.”

“Of course, I’m always right.” Changbin laughed and the two boys walked closely all the way to Felix’s apartment with content expressions on their faces. They were greeted by a shirtless, wild haired Chan sitting on the floor, typing away at something on his laptop. Neither of the two walking in were that surprised, but Felix couldn’t help but be worried. 

“Hyung, what are you doing?” Felix asked carefully while taking off his shoes. The elder didn’t look up but his frantic typing stalled long enough for the younger to know he had heard. 

“Working on something.” 

“How come you aren’t in the studio then?” Changbin asked while leaning on Felix’s shoulder. The younger willed his heart not to go into overdrive at the contact. Subtle Felix, subtle. 

“Or, you know, why aren’t you wearing a shirt?” He asked instead. Chan shrugged. 

“I was getting too worked up.” He ran a hand through his hair as if to prove his point. 

“Ok. I think you’ve been at this long enough.” Changbin sighed and closed the lid of the laptop, much to the protest of the boy on the floor. “Nuh uh, knowing you you probably haven’t eaten a thing all day. Whatever this is can wait.” 

“Says you.” Chan snorted, but didn’t object. Felix smiled and turned back into the kitchen to find something edible for his Aussie friend. If someone had told little Lee Felix that one day he would be moving to Korea in order to pursue the arts, he’s not sure he would believe it. Probably just quote some dumb meme and run off to play in the school yard with his friends. He had been lost, all on his own with minimum funds from his parents and a potential friend he had met online. Chan had adopted him on the spot and while the younger was still confused about what he was doing, he knew that the elder would always have his back. It was about time he started to return the favor. 

“Here you go Channie hyung.” Felix smiled and handed Chan a glass of water. “Stay hydrated with something besides coffee, yeah? We should make something for dinner. You wanna stay with us Binnie hyung?” The name felt tingly on Felix’s tongue, a familiarity that he was itching to envelop himself in. 

“If you guys don’t mind. I can help out.” 

“You’d probably burn down the kitchen if I’m being honest.” Chan smirked. Changbin gasped dramatically at the notion but said nothing to oppose the point. So that’s how the three found themselves sitting on the living room couches eating kimchi fried rice with random meat they had scavenged from the freezer mixed in. 

Intimate 

Mellow 

Home 

The words glowed in Felix’s mind like a crackling fire, the light conversation about harmonies from his producer friends in the background. The familiar urge to grab a pen came to the blond as he tried earnestly not to get up and disturb the peace. 

“Lix?” He must’ve started shaking his legs at some point because Changbin’s hand was now resting on his knee to slow down its jittering. “What’s up?” 

“Nothing, I think I’m gonna go do some homework now.” He stood up abruptly and before the other two could say anything, placed his plate in the sink and ran off to his room with a “Later hyungs!”. Felix exhaled against the door and closed his eyes for a minute before running to his desk to grab a pen. 

_Should I stop or not? Should I give up or not?_  
Why can’t I?  
Throw away all these thoughts

The tip scratched against the scrap sheet Felix had found on his desk in messy handwriting, some words in English and some in Korean as he saw fit. They scrawled into one another as if they knew they were meant to be a whole. A puzzle of characters and letters. 

_It’s a cycle of having a tired body and tired heart_

A knock on his door startled Felix hard enough for him to drop his writing utensil and choke on his breath. It slowly slid open as Changbin peaked inside, eyebrow raised in question. 

“How’s homework going?” He asked while eyeing Felix’s handywork. 

“It’s uh- I mean, um.” The stuttering blond didn’t have time to react to Changbin reaching out to pick up his writing. The alarm bells started going off in the younger’s head immediately but he knew it was futile to try and take it back considering how fast the black haired boy could read. So Felix just bit his lip nervously and took a step back as he watched Changbin’s eyes scan over his messy lyrics. He had never shown them to anyone, merely hinting to Chan that he had been working on some things but never actually explaining them to anyone. The blond stuffed his hand under the opposite sleeve and traced out ‘waning’. The elder finally looked up, something unreadable in his eyes. Felix didn’t like that. 

“Lix… do you always write things like this?” The blond averted his eyes but shrugged. This had been one of his happier works all things considered. It was optimistic in a way his brain usually avoided so he hoped Changbin couldn’t read the undertones of something else. “These are amazing.” 

“W-what?” 

“The lyrics.” Changbin waved them and bit his lip. THAT was distracting. “They’re really good Felix. I don’t know what you mean about not being good with communicating considering how well you put things here.” Changbin looked at the younger with a softer expression. 

“You really think so?” Felix let a small smile tug at his lips. 

“We all need some darkness for our light. You do that well in this.” Changbin hummed. “How about we try showing this to Chan? He might have some ideas if you want to transform these words into something to be heard.” Felix gaped. 

“Y-you want to use my… my writing? From a random thing I wrote in two minutes?” 

“If this is what you can do in that little time I’d love to see what else you have in that thoughtful head of yours. Jisung needs to be put in his place anyhow, there’s a new lyric king in town.” Changbin gave him a grin that made Felix’s stomach flutter. He wasn’t going to get out of this now (if he meant the Changbin situation or the writing one was for him alone to contemplate). 

“If you’re sure hyung…” 

“I’m more than sure.” Changbin took Felix’s hand and pulled him along. “I’m positive.” The blond focused on the feeling of their interlinked palms until they got to Chan’s room, and he most certainly replayed the feeling for the rest of the night.


	4. Dishes, Revelations, and Bubble Tea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix is still figuring things out, but he has some new friends and plenty of cuddling partners to help him out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI STAY ARE WE STILL ALIVE AFTER ALL THE TEASERS? Cause I sure am not :,)   
I'm super hyped for this comeback and the Double Knot teaser already looks amazing AHHHH
> 
> But anyway. Here is the next chapter in the fic~ I hope you all enjoy reading it. Exams are slowly approaching so I might have to slow down my uploads :( 
> 
> In the meantime, any and all comments, kudos, and suggestions are super greatly appreciated! Thank you for continuing to read my works my lovelies <3

“FELIX YOU LITTLE BITCH I WILL FIGHT.” Jisung’s shrill voice and an armful of energetic boy woke the blond up in a second. The two went tumbling to the ground of Felix’s bedroom while Jisung feebly beat on Felix’s chest with teasing fists. “I can’t believe you’ve been writing music lyrics without me. The AUDACITY.” Felix snorted and pushed his friend off of him until they were both lying on the floor. 

“They weren’t specifically lyrics at first if that makes you feel any better.” Felix tried not to look at Jisung who was staring him down, playfulness gone and something calculating in his gaze. “They’re just… words. Things I think of at random times.” The blond ran a nervous hand over his sleeved arm as if asking his words for confidence. Maybe he should write that one down. Confidence. 

“Lix…” Jisung sat up and looked down at his friend. The boy was so quiet sometimes that it scared Felix. For someone so passionately loud about life he could be incredibly introspective, but perhaps that’s why he was such a good writer. 

“They’re nothing much, really.” 

“They’re something to you.” Jisung pointed out while tilting his head. “Will you show me your arms Lixie?” The pout and question caught the blond off guard and he stuttered something that Jisung must’ve taken as a yes. Felix didn’t have anything to hide, he hadn’t harmed himself in any way in a long time and the words weren’t bad but they were his. 

“It’s nothing really.” Felix avoided making eye contact with Jisung whose eyes were raking over the rainbow across his arms. 

“They’re so pretty Lix!” Felix whipped his head up at that. Jisung wore a gentle smile on his face. “The words. You wrote them so nicely and the colors match. It’s beautiful.” The sincerity in his voice made tears well up in Felix’s eyes. “OI no don’t cry oh gosh I’m so dumb ahhhhhh.” Jisung panicked to hug his friend while Felix just laughed. 

“I love you bro.” 

“Bro.” The two giggled while Jisung wiped his friends eyes, relief evident on his face that the other was alright. “Why didn’t you ever tell me about your writing? I wouldn’t have made fun of you for it - I’d be the last person to.” 

“I just… I wasn’t ready to share them? I’m still not fully sure if I am. But I trust you guys.” Felix nodded resolutely and smiled back.

“By the way, you should really stop hiding your freckles. They’re adorable!” Jisung squealed while pinching the blond’s cheeks. Felix let out a yelp and protested adamantly just as the door to the bedroom opened to reveal three familiar figures. 

“Why is it that you two are on the floor more often than not?” Chan asked with a fond sigh. Minho snorted next to him and Changbin was trying his best not to laugh along. Jisung pouted and sat on Felix’s thighs, glaring down their elder friends. 

“If I choose to cuddle my best friend on the floor than no one will stop me.” 

“Except for said best friend who needs to shower, please and thank you.” Felix pushed his palms on Jisung’s cheeks, squishing until his lip made an ‘o’ shape. The two were giggling and Chan couldn’t help but pull out his phone to take a picture like the dad he was. 

“Hyung! You’re so embarrassing.” Changbin groaned. “Come on, we have work to do. Minho made us food since he’s the only one who knows how to cook so make sure to thank him or something.” 

“Or something.” Jisung cackled while Felix finally managed to stand up. The boy smiled brightly when he made eye contact with Changbin and he nearly missed the boy’s reddening cheeks as he walked back into the living room. Cute. 

One shower and much screaming later, the three producers were holed up in Chan’s bedroom while Minho and Felix stayed back to clean up the dishes from breakfast. Minho was an interesting one. Felix wasn’t sure exactly what he thought of him since the other had more masks than even the blond knew how to put on. The elder was the most incredible dancer he had ever met and Felix could only dream to become like him one day. They had only once ever been alone besides the present, and Minho had been more serious than what the younger thought possible. They had been in Felix’s school’s dance studio and Minho had a certain sharpness when he talked about dance, an edge that wasn’t cruel but it most certainly wasn’t gentle. His passion was like that of a motorcycle gearing up to run on a track full of obstacles, exploding once it was time to show off a performance that left all others in the dust. And then there was the Minho that joked with his friends and flirted with anyone within 2 feet of him. He had a confidence that came as a package deal with unrelenting honesty. Minho was blunt but most certainly not in a mean way. Felix appreciated that the elder never BSed his way through life, taking challenges for what they were and knowing who he was.

Enamouring 

Unconventional 

Receptive 

Sensuous 

Minho was many things that Felix couldn’t figure out and that he probably never would, but he was happy that the elder was starting to share more of his snarky jokes and giggles. Plus, he had the cutest cats the blond had ever seen and he NEEDED to become their best friends. 

“So I heard you’ve been writing some lyrics? Didn’t know you were into that too.” Minho woke Felix out of his reverie while handing the younger a sudsy plate. 

“Mm. I just like words. I don’t necessarily care what they’re used for.” Felix shrugged and gently placed the plate in the cupboard above his head. “I would rather dance for hours than stay holed up in a recording studio.” Minho smiled proudly. 

“See, I knew you were my favorite for a reason.” 

“I’m your favorite?” Felix looked up in surprise. 

“Of course sunshine.” Minho smiled teasingly. 

“I thought that was Jisung.” Minho nearly dropped the plate he was scrubbing at the mention of the younger boy. Felix mentally applauded himself for having guessed right. The elder was always smiling softly in the direction of his best friend and he knew Jisung thought Minho was amazing. He liked the idea of them together - two sides of a coin that completed the other’s desires to succeed. Plus, Felix was a romantic to a fault and he was dying to plan cute dates for the two. 

“F-Felix seriously. You’re my favorite dongsaeng.” 

“Yeah but that’s cause you want Sungie to be something more, am I right?” He pressed on. Minho sighed and bit his lip. Felix wasn’t used to the apprehension on his face. It was another side to the elder that the blond added to his dictionary of feelings. 

“Maybe… I-I don’t know.” He swallowed. “I’m not used to steady relationships and I’m definitely not willing to ruin the friendship we have right now.” Felix gave him a sympathetic nod, thinking of his own dilemma with a certain black haired boy. But that was an issue for a later date. “I can’t lose him.” 

“I know what it feels like. Really.” The two looked each other in the eye and Minho’s eyes seemed to lighten with a realization of his own. Ah. That couldn’t be good. 

“It’s Changb-” Felix launched himself to cover the other’s mouth as if the producer could somehow hear the mention of his name. Minho blinked rapidly in surprise. 

“Don’t say anything. Please.” Felix begged. “Neither of us are ready, I can tell. We’ll get there eventually but we were talking about you and Sung, not me and well whatever the hell I’m feeling.” Minho softened and removed Felix off of him. 

“Ok. But I’m not going to drop this forever. You deserve to be happy and so does Bin.” 

“Oh, by the way. I want both you and Jisung to be happy but if you EVER dare to make him sad or upset I will personally come and hunt you down. You’re my friend but he is my platonic soulmate and I will do anything to keep him smiling, understand?” Felix rarely spoke out so strongly but he couldn’t help it when it came to his closest friends. Jisung was his brother, and he would never let harm come his way. Minho smiled and laughed shortly at the threat. 

“Believe me, I’d never forgive myself if I hurt him. I’ll take care of him.” Minho stuck out a hand and Felix nodded, smiling back and shaking the elder’s still wet hand. 

“Why the hell do you guys look like you’re making some kind of evil pact?” The two jumped apart as Changbin walked into the kitchen, eyebrow raised in question. Felix’s heart stuttered at the raspy tone in his voice and he willed his body to show no reaction. Obviously, he didn’t do the best job because Minho snorted in amusement and elbowed Felix lightly. 

“We were just playing a game, washing dishes is boring.” Minho sighed dramatically and draped himself over Changbin’s shoulders, looking Felix in the eye and smirking as he did so. Asshole. 

“Uh huh. Right.” Changbin dragged himself to grab some red bull from the box on the ground. Felix frowned. “Lix, you wanna come work with some of your lyrics? We could use a change of pace.” The blond nodded and nervously chewed the inside of his cheek. Minho gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze as he walked out, a twinkle in his eyes. 

Inside the room, Jisung was sprawled on the floor amongst a pile of papers while Chan was in his usual position at the computer. There was an empty chair beside him that had Changbin’s sweatshirt hung on it and Felix had the urge to steal it. He wasn’t weird, ok? 

“LIXIE! Thank god I was going insane with these grandpas.” Chan had an offended look on his face that made Felix burst out into laughter. 

“Here I am, Lee Felix coming to your rescue.” He bowed dramatically and flopped down next to his friend. “What have you guys gotten done so far?” 

“Well, Chan over here keeps asking me to revise his lyrics so it’s taking forever and Changbin has been moving the same chords around for the past hour so I’d say we’re at a stalemate.” Jisung muttered bitterly. Felix ruffled his fluffy hair and peeked over to see the familiar notebook besides his friend. It was as tattered as his own, pages sticking out and cover nearly coming off. He wondered if this was a thing for all people like them, if notebooks were meant to be written in until they could no longer sustain the burden of the lines within. 

“Hey, I was making progress until recently.” Changbin muttered while plopping down into his spot. He gestured to his laptop screen that showed the familiar software. “Felix will help us all get a move on hopefully.” He smiled that soft grin that made Felix want to cuddle the heck out of him. The other probably fit so well between his arms, heck tucked into Felix’s shoulder and thighs sitting atop- 

“Lix? You’re doing the thing again.” Chan smirked while Felix turned a bright red. “Let’s take a look at your lyrics. Is that ok?” The worried looks in his direction made Felix’s skin crawl. He knew his friends meant the best for him, but the way they treaded around the subject like shattered glass made him want to scream in frustration. Maybe that’s why Minho preferred to stick to songs without lyrics - they conveyed emotions in their purest form without the foggy ambiguity that certain phrases created. 

“Sure, I.” He cleared his throat. “Yeah. Just… don’t any of you say anything until you’ve all read it, ok? I’ll give you some pages that kinda go together I guess…” He trailed off nervously and rubbed his covered arms again. Jisung eyed the motion but said nothing. 

“No problem bud, no judge zone remember?” Chan said in his comforting English. Felix nodded and bit his lip while pulling out the sheets from his pocket. They were folded so many times the imprint was left in small squares. He gave them to Jisung first, as he was the closest, and nearly yanked the sheets back as the boy opened it. 

“I’m just gonna… leave for a minute. Ok BYE.” Before the others could react, Felix darted out of the room and leaped onto the couch next to an unsuspecting Minho. 

“You good man?” 

“No, absolutely not.” Felix groaned and leaned into Minho’s side. The elder automatically wrapped an arm around the blond and they relaxed into each other. If someone had told Felix that he would be this close with Minho only a few weeks after their meeting, he’s not sure he would have believed them. “How come you’re still here hyung? Not that I’m complaining.” 

“Jisung promised to get me bubble tea when he was finished here but I should’ve known it’d take a while.” He sighed. “I’m not missing out on my chance for free boba and one-on-one time with Sung so here I am, watching some random rom-com on your tiny ass tv.” Felix gasped indignantly. 

“Sasha does not appreciate your slander. She is a loyal box of magic.” Minho snorted. 

“Your Korean has improved so much lately I don’t know whether to be concerned or proud. Also who in their right mind names a tv?” 

“Chan when he’s had no sleep for 48 hours.” 

“Ah, makes sense.” Minho nodded sagely and gently rubbed the younger’s arms. Felix hummed in content and tried to banish thoughts of the producers looking over his words at that very moment. “They’re reading your stuff now I take it?” The elder said as if reading Felix’s mind. 

“Yup.” The two stared ahead at the couple arguing on screen and let their minds wander to their respective concerns, the buzzing voices creating a backdrop of stillness within the room. It didn’t take long for the sound of a door opening to wake the boys out of their stupors. 

“Lixie? We’re done if you wanna come back in.” Chan’s voice was so soft that Felix had the urge to run away. As usual. He took a deep breath and looked at Minho who was nodding and smiling softly at him to go. 

“‘Kay…” The blond slowly made his way over, avoiding Chan’s eyes and entering the room where the other two were leaning over his paper with pens in hand. Felix gulped. 

“These are great Lix! Slightly concerning but hey have you seen some of the shit I write?” Jisung said with such a happy tone that Felix would’ve laughed had he not been scared out of his mind. Changbin, seeing his expression, whacked Jisung over the back of the head. 

“Oi! You idiot have some consideration. It was hard enough for him to share this with us - use some sort of brain to mouth filter will you?” 

“Jokes on you, I have no idea how to install one.” The two continued to bicker while Chan rubbed a tired hand over his face. Felix was worried he’d have wrinkles already at this rate. 

“It’s no big deal let’s just… get on with it.” The blond sighed, regaining the attention of the musicians. Jisung sobered up and looked the piece over one more time before swiveling to face his best friend. 

“I think that if we make the transitions from English to Korean more smooth, and rearrange some things, these would be absolutely incredible Lix.” Felix blinked in surprise. “I’m not just saying that because I love you, I genuinely think these are really good. Especially considering you’ve never written for a music piece before.” 

“Exactly. The ideas are really good - gritty and real. We like that.” Changbin nodded in agreement. “Of course writing lyrics is different than normal because there has to be a flow. That’s why we’re here though.” Changbin gave the younger a small smile. 

“That aside, I think we should talk a bit about the actual content of the lyrics.” Chan cut in, brotherly tone coming into his voice. Felix knew that meant he was worried and that was the last of what he wanted. 

“I-it’s alright, really I just-” 

“Little bro, please. Don’t lie to us.” Chan said in English while squeezing the younger’s shoulder. “We’re here to help you as friends, not as some sort of therapists because we can’t magically fix your insecurities as much as we wish we could. We can’t even fix ourselves if you haven’t noticed.” 

“You don’t have to be fixed though - you’re not broken.” Jisung, having understood most of the phrases, switched the conversation back to Korean. “You have cracks and that’s ok. No one is perfect and you can make art from those beautiful lines.” He smiled one of his small smiles, the ones reserved for intimate moments. Jisung was so bright that sometimes Felix forgot he could shine so softly, like a night light glowing in a darkened room. 

“Sung I-” The blond choked on his words, the familiar feeling of fuzziness washing over him. Felix’s eyes welled up as his brain searched for what to say, confused and unsure. 

“Hey, Felix.” Changbin stood up quickly, nearly knocking over his chair in the process. He knew that look, the murky look in the younger’s eyes and the twist of his lips. The way he twisted his tiny fingers in his sleeves. “It’s alright. You don’t have to talk about it now, we just want what’s best for you.” Changbin pulled the taller into his embrace somewhat awkwardly, but sighed in relief when Felix relaxed into the grip. The blond’s hair tickled Changbin’s nose when he set his forehead on the elder’s shoulder, taking in deep breaths through his nose. Chan bit his lip and resisted the urge to join in while Jisung had a pained look in his eyes. The two made eye contact and silently agreed to work on this. Felix didn’t deserve to feel so insecure about the world around him. So lost within the words in his mind along with those spoken in his day to day life. 

“Let’s stop for today, yeah?” Chan suggested gently. The boys nodded and Felix finally lifted his head. Changbin’s shoulders untensed in relief seeing that the younger hadn’t cried at all and was giving him a small smile. He never wanted to see the smile leave the other’s beautiful, freckled face if he could help it. 

“Minho’s still waiting for you by the way, Sungie.” Jisung smiled widely at the mention of the elder boy and Felix had to hold back a teasing laugh. The two were in adorable puppy love and the thought of his friends teasing each other over bubble tea warmed his heart. “Don’t keep him waiting.” He winked and the other blushed. 

“I’ll just uh- excuse myself.” Jisung jumped up and ran out of the room, kissing Felix on the cheek obnoxiously before yelling Minho’s name. Changbin rolled his eyes while Chan yawned and stretched his arms above his head. 

“You guys wanna go watch a movie?” Chan asked, knowing fully well he would be asleep within the first few minutes. 

“Hell yeah. I’m choosing though.” 

“Felix, I’m not watching Finding Nemo again.” Changbin deadpanned at the younger’s pout. 

“But it’s so good! I have a spiritual connection with Dori.” 

Curling up between his hyungs in a pile of blankets and popcorn in their laps, Felix thought that maybe things would work out in one way or another. If that would take a bit of time and some words released into the spaces between his friends, maybe that wouldn’t be so bad after all.


	5. Cotton Candy, Ferris Wheels, and Blushing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes letting go and enjoying life is the only thing you need. 
> 
> \--------------------------
> 
> Felix makes a new friend and realizes how lucky he is to have the people he does around him (ft. Minsung and Jeongin being an adorable brat)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi my lovelies~   
While I'm happy to upload another chapter for you guys, I thought I'd update some things too. First of all, my schedule is going down the drain because midterms are coming and I have no time to write nor inspiration. Following that, I also haven't been in the best mental state and I already project enough onto the boys without making this sadder than it needs to be :,) 
> 
> I'm so sorry but while I will try to upload in the near future, I can't guarantee anything; I hope you all decide to stick around anyway <3 
> 
> Enjoy this fluffy chapter and I hope those of you with exams do amazing. Happy belated birthday to our best leader Bang Chan and let's do our best to get the boys a win for Double Knot!

Of all the ways Felix imagined spending his Friday night, it most definitely wasn’t stuffed into a spinning teacup with screaming Hyunjin and Jisung on one side and a blank face Seungmin on his other. His friends had dragged the blond into going to the amusement park after school and while he hated rides, they had somehow convinced him that the spinning rides were for little kids and thus more tame. 

They were, quite obviously, very wrong and Felix’s lunch did not appreciate the feeling of being rejected from the boy’s system. 

“I am NEVER doing anything you three ask me ever again.” Felix muttered, stumbling off of the ride as fast as he could after an eerily calm Seungmin. 

“It was so fun though!” Hyunjin jumped around like a puppy, tugging on Jisung’s sleeves. “It went all WHOOSH!” Jisung nodded in agreement and smiled widely. Seungmin rolled his eyes but smiled along at their actions. Felix buried his face in his hands and groaned. 

“Jisung? Felix?” The familiar voice startled the boys and made them turn toward two approaching boys. One of them was Minho, smiling like a cat at the sight of the younger boys. The other was smaller and had messy pink hair along with overalls that gave him a soft look. Felix nearly cooed at the sight of them holding hands while Hyunjin audibly intaked a breath. Seungmin smirked, all of them knowing about the pretty boy’s weakness of pastel aesthetics. And if the new boy was anything, it was the definition of soft. Or so they thought. 

“Hyung, is that the squirrel you have the hots for?” Seungmin laughed loudly at the comment while Jisung blushed profusely. Minho gaped at the younger and flicked his forehead, earning a yelp. 

“I haven’t even introduced you yet and you’re already being a brat.” 

“I like him already.” Hyunjin whispered, a sparkle in his eyes. If that didn’t spell trouble, Felix didn’t know what did. Ok, well, he didn’t know how to spell many things but that was besides the point. 

“Minho hyung? What’re you doing here?” Felix asked instead. 

“Taking out my bratty little brother because he wouldn’t leave me alone.” Minho rolled his eyes in an attempt to appear annoyed but Felix knew the elder was whipped for his brother. He had never met the pink haired boy until then, but Minho talked about him a lot and while he complained half the time he was usually cooing over how cute the younger was. “This is Jeongin.” 

“Nice to meet you… hyungs? I think you’re all older than me.” 

“Someone is younger than me!” Seungmin cheered and smiled with glee. 

“Your maknae privileges have been revoked, we are officially giving all our snacks and cuddles to Jeongin over here.” Hyunjin said as seriously as possible. Seungmin pouted and feebly beat his fists into the other boy’s shoulder. Jisung cackled, bending over. Felix could practically feel Minho’s heart eyes at the sound and apparently so could Jeongin because the youngest made eye contact with Felix and shrugged. Yeah, Felix was gonna like him.   
“This is Hyungjin and Seungmin, our best friends. Obviously you know us.” Jisung smiled widely and the others waved. 

“Anyway, you like rides, right hyung?” Felix turned to Minho with a mischievous grin. Minho raised an eyebrow in suspicion, smile sliding off his face. 

“What are you planning Lee?” 

“Oh nothing, just a proposition.” Felix smiled as innocently as he could and felt his friends smile at the sight. He had always been told his smile was contagious and he was fully planning on using it to his advantage. “How about you go off with Sungie over here who really wants to go on rides and I’ll go do something or other with Innie. Can I call you that?” Felix turned shyly to the youngest who was smiling devilishly. 

“Of course hyungie!” 

“Great! Bye guys have fun!” Felix pushed his best friend into Minho and wrapped his long arms around the others to pull them away. The group laughed at Jisung’s flabbergasted expression while realization slowly dawned on Minho’s face. He could thank Felix later. 

“Oh my god thank you.” Hyungjin groaned. “Jisung hasn’t shut up about him for WEEKS.” 

“I know. I’m the one who has to listen to his 2 am phone calls crying over how cute Minho hyung’s nose is.” Felix nodded. Suddenly, Jeongin let out a shriek of… some sort of emotion. Hyunjin being the fidgety baby he was, jumped up nearly three feet at the noise and Seungmin covered his ears in dismay. 

“Oh no it’s another loud one.” 

“Sorry hyungs but they have COTTON CANDY. And it’s RAINBOW COLORED!” The three couldn’t help but soften at the excitement on the boy’s face. He had an innocence they had long since forgotten and it was refreshing to say the least. Felix couldn’t remember the last time he had been so excited about something so trivial like sweets or carnival rides. It was a nice change of pace for the boy since the extensive music producing and studying for midterms had rotted a hole through his brain. He also couldn’t help but note how easily Jeongin lightened the mood of the group, a bubbly boy with his loud exclamations and expressive face. 

“What’re we standing around here for then?” Hyunjin smiled and jumped around in excitement. Jeongin blushed when the elder took his hand and ran off in the direction of the food stalls. Seungmin smiled fondly in return and gestured for Felix to follow along. 

Felix liked these days the best. The ones filled with mindless laughter and flickering lights from the world around them. Watching his friends joke about memes and other things they saw online reminded him that they were young, still figuring out what the hell they were doing with life. It was ok to sit back every now and then to just… live. 

“Hey Lix, you wanna split one of these?” Seungmin pointed to the huge balls of sugar displayed. A line of girls getting ready to pose for instagram and little kids holding their parents’ hands was winding its way to the boys. 

“Nah man. I can eat a whole one myself.” 

“Bro, I love you but that much sugar will have you jumping around like crazy and I for one am not about to watch you try to jump into a river - again.” Hyunjin smirked. 

“Again?” Jeongin widened his eyes and turned to Felix who was shrugging sheepishly. 

“I don’t uh… deal with sugar well?” 

“What he means to say is that he is hyperactive as hell when he has caffeine and/or sugar so we usually limit him.” Seungmin supplied helpfully. 

“But I want a whole thing Minnie!” Felix pouted and pulled his best aegyo, eyes looking pitfully at his friends. 

“Just give the kid what he wants. Lord knows he’s gonna complain all day if you don’t.” The voice had Felix spinning around on his heels and coming face first with some familiar faces.

“Channie hyung!” Felix launched himself at the elder boy like the koala he was, Chan so used to the action that he didn’t even stumble. “What the hell? Is everyone here today?” 

“Apparently.” Changbin chuckled and Felix rushed to untangle himself from his Aussie friend. The black haired boy looked softer than usual with a pink hoodie and no beanie, a pair of… cat ears instead? Felix was going to die, yup. He didn’t realize he was staring until Chan elbowed him and giggled at his expression. 

“Hi Binnie hyung.” Felix’s smile was bashful and light, full of a warmth that made Changbin look away to hide his own blush. 

“Oh my god they like each other, don't they?” Jeongin’s whisper made Felix desperately whip his head to glare at the younger. He took back what he said about liking the sneaky brat, Minho was right. 

“Oh, this is our friend Woojin by the way.” Chan gestured to another boy with them, the bear ears on his head creating a soft look that matched his overall friendly look. Man, were all of Chan’s friends models or something? The boy in question waved amicably and smiled. 

“Nice to meet you finally Felix. Changbin talks about you a lot.” Felix raised his eyebrows in question while the elder practically tackled Woojin in his tiny anger. Seungmin snorted, bringing back the attention of the group to the younger members. 

“Channie you obviously know these two but to make everyone familiar: the tall, annoying one is Hyunjin. Our resident puppy boy is Seungmin. And this is Jeongin, the youngest and newest addition.” 

“We know Innie alright.” Chan ruffled the pink hair of the youngest, earning a groan. “Were you guys about to get cotton candy? Innie has been talking about it all week honestly.” Hyunjin cooed at Jeongin and pulled him into a hug. 

“You guys want some too?” Seungmin asked. 

“We can share one Binnie hyung!” Felix jumped at the opportunity before his brain to mouth filter could step in. 

“Oh so you’re willing to share with HIM but not with US?” Hyunjin removed himself from the youngest to declare dramatically. The expression on his face made the others burst out into more laughter. 

“Of course.” 

“Why you-” 

“ANYWAY.” Seungmin interrupted. “Let’s get in this giant line for your guys’ colored sugar on a stick.” 

“Excuse you it’s called fairy floss.” Felix reverted to English to protest. Seungmin rolled his eyes while Chan sighed nostalgically. 

“Man I miss Australian carnival food. It’s so much cheaper than buying it here.” Most of the group looked on in confusion while the two began an in depth discussion of the benefits of cheap fried food and how sprinkles on bread definitely counted as a meal in their book. 

Felix wished he could say these things in Korean too sometimes, if only so that his friends could understand his words. He’d tried to of course. From food to jokes to so many other things, certain aspects were either lost in translation or Felix couldn’t manage to think of how to say the words as accurately as possible. It was so easy to get stuck in a process between translating and guessing. He had formed so many new words he couldn’t even count and he could slowly see himself forgetting words in both. Maybe one day he wouldn’t be able to speak at all. 

“Mate?” Felix must’ve trailed off again, eyes lost looking at the spinning sweets in front of him. 

“M’good.” He reassured quietly. 

A few short minutes later, the group was standing in a clearing to the side of the main attractions, sticks of colorful cotton candy in hand. They had paused to take some cute pictures (or in Felix’s case of him pretending to take a monstrous bite of the rainbow ball bigger than half of his body) and were now taking turns ripping off pieces. 

“Here Lix.” Changbin held a pink piece up to Felix’s lips and the younger opened his mouth on instinct, the sugary substance melting on his tongue and leaving behind a fruity taste. The boys giggled, a funny feeling settling in their stomachs. Felix wasn’t used to this softness, feeling both lighter than the cotton candy they were holding and heavy from the emotions lodging themselves in his heart. 

“Yah! Don’t eat it all; I like the blue one.” Hyunjin was complaining loudly somewhere in Felix’s periphery. Woojin was helping Jeongin clean up his sweater from where he had gotten a bit stuck and Chan was taking pictures of them like the dad he was. 

“Hey… where is Minho anyway?” Woojin said, as if remembering that the other boy was supposed to be with his brother instead. Seungmin had a devious smile on his face at the mention. 

“He’s on a little date at the moment.” 

“A WHAT?!” Chan shrieked, nearly dropping his phone in surprise. “I thought he liked Jisung? If he’s cheating on him so help me-” 

“Woah there.” Hyunjin raised his hands in the air. “That’s the thing - they’re on a date together.” 

“Oh.” 

“Yeah, oh.” Felix giggled at the sheepish expression on Chan’s face. “They looked really cute together, I hope everything is going well.” Chan pinched Felix’s cheek and the younger squaked to wave it away. 

“Our little cupid over here.” The others chuckled as Chan continued to try and cuddle Felix and the younger sidestepped skillfully. He loved skinship in more restrained circumstances, but the large crowds of people and stares made the boy want to run away from every and any thing. 

“Alright alright. Let’s go play some games!” Jeongin clapped his hands together at Seungmin’s suggestion and the group shuffled over to the many different carnival games. Everything from balloon popping to fishing to tests of strength were lined up, prizes of all kinds hung up from the tent rafters. Felix’s eyes sparkled as he eyed the many toys that he could already envision sitting on his bed. 

“Felix no.” 

“Felix yes!” The blond ran over to eye a giant teddy bear and giggled, thinking it BEARed an uncanny resemblance to his new, older friend. (The sad part about puns in one language is that they often didn’t translate and it was probably the most depressing part of being multilingual in the boy’s opinion.) Changbin walked over, hands on his hips and gentle smile as he watched Felix jump around from stall to stall. When Felix turned to tell him about the adorable hamster plush, the blond noticed that the others had scattered already. “Where’d everyone else go?” 

“They took off to different games like you.” Changbin chuckled. “Also, not to be that person, but I think you have more than enough plushies Lix. You won’t have room for yourself on that bed if you get any more.” Felix gasped dramatically. 

“There is always room for more family members in the Lee plush cult.” 

“Cult?” 

“Of course.” Felix nodded as if it was the most logical thing in the world. “What sort of plushie father would I be if I didn’t introduce them to cult life. We have weekly meetings to discuss the latest online trends and eat snacks.” Changbin covered his face not to burst out laughing at the image of Felix, deep voiced and serious, talking to his plushies while cross legged on his pastel bedding. A cult, right. 

“Ok Lix. If you say so.” Changbin looked around thoughtfully. “Hey, you wanna go try out some other stuff?” Felix tilted his head in question. “There’s a ferris wheel and everything. The view is probably really pretty since the sun is about to set.” Felix talked so often about the colors in the sky and how amazing sunrise and sunset were that the older knew he would want to see it from above. Expectedly, Felix jumped in excitement. 

“That’d be awesome hyung! Do we have to tell the others first?” 

“Nah, I told Chan we’d go off before they separated from us.” Changbin’s smile reminded Felix of rainy afternoons in front of a fireplace, that cozy feeling when everything else was agitated and restless calming him down in a second. He thought about how usually, in these sort of busy settings, he would get reckless and be desperately tugging at his sleeves to turn to his words for comfort. But, with his friends by his side, Felix hadn’t traced any ‘frosted’ or ‘linear’ characters the entire afternoon. Stuck in a happy headspace, Felix grabbed Changbin’s hand on instinct like he had been wanting for so long. He turned and ran off in the direction of the giant ferris wheel, the other’s warm hands clasped between his own. He wasn’t looking to see, but Changbin had a surprised expression on his face and pink cheeks to match. There was something about the action that felt so right and Felix couldn’t bring himself to try and explain or justify it. 

“Two?” The worker at the bottom of the wheel asked when the boys finally arrived. Felix nodded shyly. The two stepped inside the little cabin, its glass walls creating a clear view of the outside and the chairs wobbling slightly with the momentum of their movement. The room was small enough for the boys to be touching knees as they sat down, but still breathable. They rode in comfortable silence as the machine began to move, a quiet groaning noise signaling the start of the ride. 

“Have you been in one of these before?” Changbin asked, leaning back against the glass wall. 

“A long time ago, back in Sydney.” Changbin hummed in acknowledgment and studied the younger. His blond hair was reflecting the golden light from outside and his smile was small and content. 

“I haven’t been to a carnival in a long time either. I was dragged here by Chan because he was complaining about Minho getting to go and not him.” Felix laughed, his whiny hyung fitting the picture carefully. 

“I like the cat ears.” Changbin stuttered and rushed to remove them. Felix stopped him just in time, hand on his hair and holding the headband in place. “No don’t, it’s cute!” 

“It’s ridiculous is what it is.” Changbin let out a whiny noise that had Felix’s heart clenched. “They insisted I look more suitable even though I already wore pink today.” 

“You’re cute hyung. You should wear more colorful clothes they suit you.” Changbin turned his head to look out at the world below, face red and pout on his lips. If Felix could, he would lean forward and kiss it off his lips. Wait what? The younger blinked at the thought. His mind had been going increasingly more intimate in his wishes towards the other boy and it was making him worried. He didn’t want to risk anything and while he knew he had a crush, he couldn’t have it developing into something more intense. 

Love was a word that scared Felix. It encompassed so much more than what the English language cared to explain. It had so many variations in other languages and he thought that more fitting - love is an emotion that has more forms and strengths than any other. He had a love for his friends, a familial sort that meant he would do anything to make them safe and happy. And then there was this love. It was unfamiliar and made his chest feel tight. It was both the most uncomfortable and reassuring feeling he had ever encountered and he wasn’t sure what words to say to get those feelings across. Looking at Changbin’s thoughtful gaze, soft hair, and ripped jeans he thought that those words could wait for now. 

“Look Lix.” Changbin pointed to the side opposite the door, the window showing off the lights of the carnival and river in the distance, shining skyscrapers among trees and scattered people. Felix whipped out his phone, ready to capture the moment. After a few different angles, he turned the camera quickly to Changbin. He was able to capture a few candid shots of the elder looking out peacefully and he knew those would be his new home screen. Now, the elder had a shocked expression that morphed into a stressed gasp as he lunged to capture the phone from Felix. The cabin rocked as Changbin ended up in Felix’s lap, head dangerously close to his private parts. Both let out high pitched noises and Changbin fumbled to sit up, impossibly redder than before. It only took a moment of pause for Felix to burst out laughing, leaning forward to rest his arms on the elder’s knees to not fall over. Changbin joined him soon and the room was filled with their laughter, a harmony of tones. 

“You’re something else, you know?” Changbin was wiping away the tears that had formed in his eyes from laughing so hard. 

“I’ve been told. Hey hyung, take a selfie with me!” Felix raised the camera so that the backdrop of the outside world was visible behind the boys leaning forward. They did a few poses before leaning back in their seats and feeling the wheel move them slowly down. “That was fun!” 

“Yeah, it was nice. The view was really pretty.” And if Felix knew that Changbin had been referring to Felix, the younger didn’t mention it nor the fact that he was thinking the same thing. 

\- - - - - - - 

BONUS:   
“HYUNG YOU SHOULD’VE TOLD ME YOU WERE SCARED OF HEIGHTS!” Jisung’s shrieks startled both Felix and Changbin who were finally getting out of the ferris wheel cabin. They turned to see Minho leaning forward, hands on his knees and hair covering his face. Jisung was hovering above him and trying to hand him a bottle of water, the condensation getting his sweater paws wet.

“Sungie? Min hyung?” Felix questioned while running up to the two. His friends looked up and the blond could finally see Minho’s worriedly green face. “You ok?” 

“Hyung didn’t tell me he was scared of heights and got in the ferris wheel with me. He nearly had a full out panic attack up there!” Jisung cried in despair. Changbin snorted, earning a glare from the eldest. 

“Whipped.” Changbin whispered and Felix giggled along. 

“How about I whip both your asses and then we’ll see who’s laughing.” Minho growled, standing up straight. Felix raised both hands while Changbin only rolled his eyes at the threat. 

“Hyunggggggg.” Jisung pouted and Minho visibly melted at the sight. 

Ridiculous was the only way Felix thought to describe the situation. But hey, that was love, huh?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you guys wanna talk more or suggest anything, I have a tumblr! 
> 
> https://lilacpages17.tumblr.com/


	6. ! Updates !

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some updates for this fic.

I honestly wanted to keep writing this fic so bad, and I really really hate to do it this way... but I don't think I will be adding any more chapters. I don't think there were that many of you in the first place, but I am super sorry to disappoint the people who were waiting for more chapters of this story. I've honestly been having a really hard time lately with many things and I haven't been able to get myself to write anything so it would be unfair to keep you all waiting for something that isn't coming. 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading the chapters I wrote and leaving so many lovely comments~ Hopefully this didn't leave off terribly unfinished for you all and you can think of the relationships developing as you wish. 

I will try to come back one day my lovelies~ Until then, keep supporting Stray Kids <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry


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